I think it's very easy when you're a luxury lifestyle blogger to portray this glamorous easy life. A life that makes others envious, and a life that makes people go 'Oh you're so lucky!' whenever they see you and ask what you've been up to. The thing is though, although it looks glossy on the outside, deep down it isn't all fun and games. Underneath it all we're just normal people with normal problems. I don't want to hide my struggles from you all, I respect you too much...especially those of you who have followed my adventures for years, and I don't want any of you thinking that it's just one big barrel of laughs, because it ain't. Life just isn't like that.
Yeh, I'm pretty darn lucky when it comes to travel. Not only do I have disposable income to stay in luxury hotels and basically go wherever I want, I also get incredible opportunities through my blog. However, the downside to being able to travel often is that sometimes you have to ditch opportunities or not go somewhere you really want to go to because you don't want to go alone, and you don't have any friends that have extra holiday days or who don't want to go on holiday without their boyfriend because they'd rather spend their holiday days with them. Fair enough (and for those who say 'travel solo!' - no. I just can't, sorry, I've tried it and I like to share memories and moments far too much). Then I think about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend again to travel with and experience all these cool things with, which leads me onto the next...
My Single Status
For the past few years it hasn't bothered me. I was in a three year very full-on relationship (we had a joint bank account, and he still has the engagement ring), so the past few years I've enjoyed taking time out to discover who I really am as an individual. I've enjoyed dating guys, but never really liked a guy enough to break my single status (thankfully though a couple of them understood and agreed to be friends, and I adore them as friends). Lately though, people are piling on the pressure. And let me tell you, being told that you'll be too old (I'm 24, 25 in April) and no one will want you is the quickest way to destroy every ounce of confidence and make me feel like a big pile of shit. Even if they're just joking, every time they bring it up it feels like someone is stabbing me in the chest. Mainly because the past six months or so I've realised I'm ready for another relationship now...except I don't want to stay in the country...so I know that getting into something then leaving would be a disaster (just look at what happened last time...).
The Country Thing
I've made no secret of the fact I don't want to stay in the country long-term. Everyone knows; my family, my friends, heck...even my colleagues know as the first thing I told my boss when I first started at the company was 'I wanna move back to Australia at some point'. I can't say too much, and right now nothing is definite, but ideally I'd like to move back within the next year (some of you will know more about this). Although I'm super excited for the future and seeing a different side to Australia (I'm hoping to live in Sydney rather than Perth this time), at the same time it scares me to leave friends that I love so much. Even though I've done it before, I know that when I leave certain dynamics and friendships will change drastically, and a couple of those friendships are worth so much to me that it honestly terrifies me that I won't see those people regularly. I'm not sure how my heart will cope.
So my health isn't great right now. I never really talk about this kind of thing because, ya know, I reckon brands will look at a venting/issue post like this and go 'nah, we won't work with her, she's not on-brand'. But whatevs. Anyway. The past six months or so my asthma has been atrocious...as in, so bad I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without needing my inhaler. I had my asthma review recently and the nurse was pretty horrified at the state of my lungs. It's really gross, but they're basically full of mucus, which is causing them to tighten, and then I basically can't breathe. So I have to have four puffs of the brown inhahler ever day now to get rid of the mucus *yum*.
On top of the asthma there's the ongoing issue with my eye eczema, it's been really bad lately and I keep getting just one patch of it under my eye in exactly the same place. I'll use my 'magic' cream, it'll go away...then it returns a few days later and goes all swollen and dry and nasty again. Again a trip to the doctor was needed, and they think I might have something wrong with a tear duct (my parents reckon I need to cry more, lol). Ugh. The worst thing is it's right on my face and so my confidence has plummeted...especially as I'm not allowed to wear any makeup on it at the moment so I'm walking around looking as though I've been punched in the face constantly.
Then, there's the sort of biggie issue. Yeh. Told you it wasn't great right now. The biggie issue is my throat. For the past 18 months I've had a cough and sore throat...it feels as though there's a huge lump in my throat, I struggle to swallow, and I can no longer eat nuts (sob), or really dry foods without choking on them. I mean, it's so bad that my voice has changed...it's all croaky constantly, people can never hear or understand me over the phone, and there are some people I know who have never heard my actual real voice. I've been to the doctor countless times, each time they just prescribed me with antibiotics which always make me super sick, and sent me on my way despite my protests and tears. Then I put my foot down and told them to send me to a private specialist, so they did. 10 minutes with this specialist gave me my answer.
I have lingual tonsils the size of plums. And my adenoids have grown back for the fourth time (they're supposed to disappear when you're nine, I last had them removed when I was 18...). Lingual tonsils are tonsils at the very bottom of your tongue about half way down your throat...they're supposed to be flat, but mine for some reason are huge swollen lumps, hence the feeling I have a lump in my throat...because I actually do have a lump in my throat. To the doctors who thought I was just being a hypochondriac and it was 'just a sore throat' - fuck you. So as you can imagine, a restricted airway and throat combined with shit asthma means I'm basically a total mess. I had to have an MRI scan last week so they can see exactly what we're dealing with, then I'll maybe have to have them removed, and if they remove them they'll take a biopsy (possibly the scariest word I've ever heard a doctor say) to make sure there's nothing bad that's caused them to get so big.
As you can imagine, all of these issues and the asthma problem mean my exercise pretty much came to a stand still. I stopped swimming, I stopped walking to work, and I gained about 7kg despite eating way too much salad lately (I thought I'd lost weight as I feel like I look slimmer...but the hospital scales last week said otherwise). So now that my lungs are slightly better after a few weeks of using this brown inhaler regularly, I've decided to reclaim my body. I re-joined the gym last week and so far have been four times. I'm starting off slowly; with 30-45 minute sessions of cardio, mixed with some kettlebells and weights at home. I need to build my lungs back up before I can start doing anything too strenuous, but I'm hoping to get in a few PT sessions in March to help. I'm just sick of feeling unhealthy and out of shape, and I desperately want to get back to my teenage days of being around the 60kg mark. What I'm doing isn't much, but it's a start. And those 30minutes or so of exercise is much better for me than what I'd be doing if I wasn't in the gym (out drinking).
I know I've been a terrible blogger lately. My posting times and days has been all over the place, I've barely been commenting on other people's posts, I've barely been doing anything on social media, and I've just generally been rubbish at championing fellow bloggers lately. Heck, I haven't even been championing myself - at the moment I'm averaging around one promotional 'read this post' tweet a day! The thing is though, it's really hard with a full time job, having a social life, and now exercising to find time to do these things. And to be honest, with all these health issues and feeling a bit down in the dumps, I just haven't even really wanted to go on social media. So to my fellow bloggers, I'm really sorry for being so rubbish lately.
So to round this up, basically I have all these little stresses that are really getting to me. I'm struggling with emotions and thoughts going round in my head, and I feel awful about just being a bit rubbish with everything and everyone at the moment. The thing is though, right now, I really need to look after myself. I need to concentrate on getting my health back on track, and I need to concentrate on giving myself time to get better. Then when I'm better, I can really throw myself back into everything. Ya know, right now I just want someone to look after me and cuddle me.
Anywho, I hope you'll stick with me and understand! Sorry for this huge vent :/
Love you all x
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